“Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ…” – Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)
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This week, I’ve been reflecting on an important distinction: Is there a difference between being a nice leader and a kind leader?
To me, the answer is absolutely yes.
A Kind Leader is someone who embodies truth with grace. That’s my core definition. And truth with grace is often harder than just being “nice.”
A Story from Early in My Leadership Journey
Years ago, I had a team member I genuinely liked and respected. But they were consistently missing deadlines, and to be honest, their leadership style was creating friction within the team. My initial instinct? Let them go. Not because they were incapable, but because I wasn’t comfortable giving tough feedback. I was leaning on truth, without grace.
I avoided the conversation altogether.
Then, I attended a leadership retreat and learned a feedback model that gave me the tools I needed. When I got back, I finally sat down with them. I affirmed what I appreciated about them, but also clearly outlined the impact of missed expectations. I asked a question. I listened. We created a plan. I didn’t sugarcoat the truth, but I wrapped it in support, structure, and empathy.
The result? They didn’t just hear the feedback—they received it. And they improved.
That’s what kindness looks like in leadership: truth wrapped in grace.
The Four Leadership Styles: Truth vs. Grace
When I work with leaders today, I often share this framework with them. Consider where you land:
- Kindness (High Truth + High Grace):
- Definition: This is the ideal state of leadership. Kindness is speaking hard truths with genuine care, delivering clear feedback with empathy, setting high expectations with unwavering support, and acting with both integrity and compassion. It’s about challenging people to grow because you believe in them and want the best for them, even when the path is uncomfortable.
- “Nice” (Low Truth + High Grace):
- Definition: This approach prioritizes comfort and avoidance of conflict over necessary honesty. It often manifests as sugarcoating feedback, avoiding difficult conversations, allowing poor performance to linger, or prioritizing popularity over genuine progress. While seemingly pleasant in the short term, “niceness” ultimately hinders growth, breeds mediocrity, and erodes trust because people aren’t getting the candor they need to improve. It’s grace without the necessary backbone.
- Bully (High Truth + Low Grace):
- Definition: This style delivers truth without compassion, empathy, or respect for the individual. It’s often harsh, critical, demeaning, or excessively demanding. While the information itself might be accurate, the delivery is damaging and destructive. This approach creates fear, resentment, high turnover, and stifles innovation. Its truth is wielded as a weapon, rather than a tool for growth.
- Cold / Dismissive (Low Truth + Low Grace):
- Definition: This is perhaps the most disengaged and damaging approach. It’s characterized by a lack of investment in people’s growth (no truth delivered), coupled with an absence of care or support (no grace shown). Leaders operating here may ignore problems, offer no feedback, show indifference to struggles, or simply disengage from the development of their team members. This leads to stagnation, demoralization, confusion, and a complete breakdown of trust and purpose. It’s not leadership; it’s neglect.
Why We Default to “Nice” Instead of “Kind”
So many leaders stay silent when they should speak. Why?
- We want to be liked.
- We’re in a rush.
- We haven’t forgiven.
- We’re afraid of what might happen.
But here’s the truth: Kindness requires courage. And courage is a muscle.
The SBIA Framework: Feedback with Clarity and Care
When you want to give kind, constructive feedback, use this simple structure:
- Situation: Describe the context (“In Monday’s meeting…”)
- Behavior: Name what happened (“You interrupted multiple teammates…”)
- Impact: Share the effect (“It made it difficult for others to contribute”)
- Action: Ask for change or collaboration (“Can we work together on improving that?”)
It’s simple. It’s direct. It honors truth and grace.
Being an effective leader means choosing courage over comfort. That’s why I challenge leaders to move beyond “being nice” and into the deeper, harder, more transformative work of being kind—the kind of leadership that tells the truth with love, sets standards with empathy, and delivers feedback with compassion and clarity.
That kind of leadership doesn’t happen by accident. It takes preparation, courage, and a framework that helps you pair grace with truth consistently. That’s why I created the Kind Leader Toolkit—a resource built to help you give feedback with both backbone and heart. It includes the SBIA Feedback Template, real-world examples, a truth+grace style chart, and Scripture-based encouragement for handling tough conversations well.
📩 Want the toolkit? Email me at coachjohngallagher@gmail.com with the word ‘KIND’ in the subject line, and I’ll send you everything you need to lead with bold grace this week. Let’s stop settling for “nice” and start showing up as the kind of leader who changes lives with truth and love. 💪
- Quote of the Week
“Kindness is telling the truth in a way that someone can receive it.”
What You Need to Do
Call to Action: Move from Nice to Kind. This week, reflect on a conversation you’ve been avoiding. Ask yourself:
- Am I withholding the truth?
- Am I delivering it without grace?
Then, use the SBIA model. Deliver that truth in love. Speak it clearly. Deliver it kindly. And build a culture of courage and compassion.
Want to receive my SBIA Feedback Guide and Kindness in Leadership Workbook? 📩 Email me at coachjohngallagher@gmail.com with the word ‘KIND’ in the subject line, and I’ll send it your way.
It’s an honor to be your trusted “Friday Coffee Guy.” Each week, I share lessons I’m learning, tools I’m using, and encouragement to help you grow into the uncommon leader you were created to be. If this edition encouraged you, share it on and encourage them to subscribe. Let’s grow Brew Nation together.
Until next time — Lead with Kindness and Grow On, Champions! 💪
P.S. Want to share your story of courage and grace on The Uncommon Leader Podcast? Email me and let’s connect!
